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Nintendo spending millions protecting Sakurai
Started by Gold
(2014-10-15 01:16:59)
Gold (2014-10-15 01:16:59)
Over the years, many have tried to kill Masahiro Sakurai after being disappointed with the direction the series has taken. Some even have dreams of wanting to replace him after murdering him in cold blood. Because of this, Nintendo has tried to classify the Smashboards as a terrorist group due to their threats against the company.

Insiders at Nintendo expressed shock that Sakurai would agree to go to E3 even after receiving thousands of death threats since the release of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Despite already spending millions trying to prevent his death, it appears that no one at Nintendo has the authority to stop him. But intentionally going to a tournament full of the most diehard Smash fans is almost suicide.

“I begged him not to go,” said one Nintendo of Japan employee speaking under the condition of anonymity, “I kept telling him that he has a wife and child. Sakurai-san simply told me that he wanted to stare death right in the face and then he laughed. It is why he included the Wii Fit Trainer in the newest game. It was scary after he made that announcement because nobody wanted to open the mail anymore. We had to hire an outside company who specialized in chemical treatments.”

Despite no longer working directly for Nintendo, he was given more protection than both Nintendo of America COO Reggie Fils-Aime and legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto combined. Trying to protect one of Nintendo’s most valuable assets was not cheap. Over twenty checkpoints, including fifty metal detectors, were installed around the Nokia Theater where the tournament was held and over forty undercover officers were hired.

“It was definitely a unique experience being trained on how to be a professional Smash Brothers gamer,” recalled one officer, “Where I would normally have my gun, I had a cube controller instead. And I had to learn about all these Nintendo characters like The Legend of Zelda and Metroid. And if people were getting suspicious, I would have to mention Project M and try to distract them by going over the intricacies of the engine. I still don’t know what any of that means, but at least I’m still alive.”

Fourteen people were arrested at the event, but all of them gladly admitted to their assassination plans. Included in that group was a minor who was extremely disappointed that the new Smash Brothers game is not going to live up to Melee‘s legacy.

“I have played this series all throughout my life and I wanted to give Sakurai one more chance,” said the minor according to police records, “But after five minutes with the new game, I threw my controller to the ground and took out my Pikachu fan that had a blade hidden in the handle. That is when I tried to stab him, but I realized too late that it was some other Asian guy and not Sakurai.”

“I also want to make it clear that I was aiming for Sakurai and only Sakurai,” clarified the minor, “I want him dead. He has ruined my childhood. Why can’t he just listen to simple complaints like make the game faster and make it not like Brawl? We wouldn’t have to go to such lengths if he just listened. All I have is my legacy as a Smash Brothers professional and it will be forgotten if he ruins this franchise.”

Even after all of this, Sakurai is still unfazed. Rumor has it that Sakurai is planning to delay the game for absolutely no reason just to see if he can provoke someone into finding out where he lives and breaking into his house.

Masahiro Sakurai then commented on how the Wii U version of Super Smash Bros will be delayed until April 2015 due to the need of more development time. People have speculated that this is not the reason though.

Source: http://wiiudaily.com

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2014-10-15 01:25:19

THaT1GuY9001 (2014-10-15 01:24:04)
I like your signature.
(TLE)SmashBros (2014-10-15 01:32:01)
That's crazy.
carlos11 (2014-10-15 02:17:53)
I heard you like plagiarizing.

http://www.p4rgaming.com/nintendo-spent-millions-protecting-masahiro-sakurai-from-assassination-attempts-by-pro-smash-players/

Did anyone actually believe this load of ?
Language is a tool for efficient communication. The internet is a tool for fast communication. Do not defy both intents by posting incoherent writing.
Gold (2014-10-15 20:47:40)
How is this plagiarizing? I didn't credit myself and the whole point of the article was just a joke.

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2015-04-26 03:20:54

carlos11 (2014-10-16 00:47:49)
Your idiocy is magnified in the Forums. Please visit more often.
Language is a tool for efficient communication. The internet is a tool for fast communication. Do not defy both intents by posting incoherent writing.
Bean (2014-10-16 16:38:30)
This is actually what Meleefags are like.
~~~
carlos11 (2014-10-16 23:17:33)
Was the guy that stabbed a random Asian by any chance named Blake?
Language is a tool for efficient communication. The internet is a tool for fast communication. Do not defy both intents by posting incoherent writing.
nintenman99 (2014-11-04 01:48:05)
CLOSE REQUEST
Are you retro?
BirdJesus (2014-11-06 00:29:39)
I hate it when people plagiarize P4R's godly journalism.
"Ugh, I need to go masturbate now. Whenever I get mad or worried, that's what I do."
-mega, the homosexual animal rapist.
little5 (2014-11-13 21:41:50)
^
I'd love to seen a ChristWire article on that.
Mr.Saturn (2015-04-24 18:56:33)
Gay Funny as .
Gold (2015-04-26 03:22:07)
@SolarFusion "Hurricane Sandy Cause By Legend of Zelda Occult Playing the ‘Song of Storms’"
 

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